December 13, 2004: "I pretty much figured out today that I am over every guy I've ever liked. There's no way any of them would ever work out so every time I like someone, I am wasting my time. Well I am way excited to go to China. I got my passport picture today."
Present: So in my teenager life... this is the day that I gave up on love... at 16 years of age. I had so many crushes in my life up to this day on December 13, 2004.. but every crush I've ever had, ended for one reason or another. 1) my crush will never notice me, 2) my crush likes one of my many bff's, 3) my best friend Rach and I use up all our energy liking the same person and we finally get burned out as they never reciprocate our love haha or 4) my crush shows slight interest in me and I run the other way :) Oh ya, and I love this journal entry, because I change the subject so fast. I simply state that I will never like anyone again... and then say, I am excited to go to China. And the sentence before is about going to the movies with my mom, Sherry, and Brit. I was dramatic for giving up on love at age 16, but the way I wrote it was so not dramatic.
The First Time the Words "Eric Ringer" are ever written in my journal
February 19, 2005: "I know this sounds stupid, but I kinda like Eric Ringer. I feel so stupid because Karly likes him and they kinda had a thing, but I don't know if they still do. I can't tell anyone because I feel so bad. I would never want to make Karly mad at me so I've just kept it bottled up. I feel stupid writing it for some reason (like I'm actually admitting it)"
Present: Man what an inner dilemma I've got. I am so scared to like the same guy my best friend likes (or used to like), that I feel bad even admitting to my journal that "I kinda like him" which really meant, "I have the BIGGEST CRUSH on this boy and I've never crushed so hard before."
My Developing Crush
March 20, 2005: "I really like Eric and it sucks because I can't help it and he likes other girls and pretty much has a girlfriend, and I don't want to be rude to Karly. On Friday he totally ignored me and it bugged the crap out of me because I didn't know why. I pulled an all-nighter with Rach the night before because we had a math project. The whole day I felt like crying and finally after the assembly I went to my car because I had track and just cried. I am so dumb- who cries over a boy that they don't even have in the first place."
Present: Man, I had it bad. Eric and I laugh about this day whenever it comes up. Knowing what I know now... Eric had an inner dilemma himself. This is the day he tried to stop liking me and leading me on because he already had a girl friend. haha But don't worry, his inner battle didn't last long, and I didn't stay sad long either... The journal goes on to say, "That night Eric called me to hang out and it pretty much made my day."
April 12, 2005: After talking about my best friends birthday, the entry says: "In anatomy we are dissecting a pig. Eric named him "G-Roy". Yesterday me and Eric skinned him and today we finished skinning him and we cut around it's head and I scooped the brain out. Brad says he wants to talk to me about something. I think he's going to tell me who likes me because he asked me if I knew of anyone who liked me. I said I didn't and he said, 'if only you knew.' He said he thinks I'll like whoever it is. :) Maybe Ringer, I don't know, but I hope so."
April 13, 2005: "In Anatomy me and Eric took out the spinal cord and intestines of our pig G-Roy."
April 14, 2005: "2nd Period: Me and Eric took the lungs out of G-Roy. Even though I don't do much, Eric said its good bonding time. He let me take the right lung out. Okay how dumb do I sound?"
Present: So if you didn't know me in high school, you may be wondering why these grotesque journal entries are important to me. But if you did know me, you would know that my Anatomy class was clutch in giving me the opportunity to develop my crush on Eric. I would go to Trig/Stats after 2nd period with Rachel and she could always tell if I had a good day or bad day in Anatomy. An example of a bad day would be that I didn't get to talk to Eric, or he wasn't there that day, or if he was having his inner battle of 'do I like this girl or my girlfriend'. An example of a good day would be any day that we dissected our pig together. These were major bonding moments for us and it was really the first time we began to kindle our love :)
Our First "DATE"
I say "date" because it was a last minute thing, it was me going with Eric and two other boys, and the tickets were already paid for (thanks Samantha Dawn).... but nonetheless.
April 16, 2005: "Last night was pretty much the best night of my life. I went to the Killers concert with Eric, Dan, and Brad. I am in love with Eric Ringer. [lots of details about how awesome the Killers are, what they were wearing, how every song was the best, and how I never wanted it to end] Eric stood close behind me most of the time and I felt like I was melting."
Present: I still remember getting the call from Eric to invite me to this concert with him. Remember when I was 16 and still didn't have a cell phone? This made it even more romantic. It was after a volleyball game. Me and a few of my girl friends were driving out of the Western parking lot. One of them got a call and whoever was on the other end was asking for me! I think I got that same melting feeling when I discovered it was Eric.
He Likes me, He Likes Me Not
April 19th, 2005: I'm sick of typing, so I'll just tell you this is the day that Brad finally had that talk with me that he was meaning to ever since April 12. He told me that indeed Eric did like me. Although Eric did a good job of showing me this by asking me out on our first "date", Brad did one better... He also told me that Eric was officially not dating anyone anymore. I think it's funny what I went on to say:
April 19th 2005 cont: "This just makes me happy knowing that Eric feels the same way I do. I don't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend and I don't even need anymore than what we have right now, just as long as I know he likes me, I'm okay with that."
Present: This is the first time in my life that anyone has ever felt the same way I feel about them.... this was a monumental moment in my life... and I think it's funny that just that alone... to like, and be liked in return, was enough for me. :)
<3 <3 <3 To be continued <3 <3 <3